I Tried Several Male Sex Toys To See If They Could Replicate A Blowjob

As a fairly liberal, open-minded and experimental person, the idea of writing a male sex toy review was something I’d been eager to do for a while (and no, before you say anything, it’s not just for the free dildos [although granted that is a perk of the job]).

You always see women banging on about their favorite vibrators in Cosmo, but I’ve never really seen a man come out and tell us what it’s like to either fuck a plastic vagina, or stick something up his bum for the first time.

Well, I am that man, so I reached out to UberKinky – an online adult retailer who have every item for every sexual need – and they sent me several toys to play about with, including a ‘Tenga Egg’ and a ‘Vibrating Head Teaser’ (which is basically just a DIY blowjob kit).

So, let’s not beat around the bush, come and join me on a journey through time and space, as I attempt to realise the full potential of my sexual spirit and let it soar like a majestic eagle through a serious of vigorous masturbatory episodes.

The Tenga Egg

I plumped for the smallest and least threatening toy first – the Tenga Egg – hoping that it would ease me into this thoroughly nerve-racking voyage of self-discovery.

My thinking behind going small and building my way up was that when I go out for food, I tend to ruin the meal by over-facing myself with a huge starter. If this ordeal was analogous to a three-course meal, I figured I’d play it much safer by going for the soup – or in this case, the egg – and leave enough room for the main course (the blowjob kit).

Essentially, the toy is a perverted Kinder Surprise minus the delicious, and frankly, life-affirming alliance of milk and white chocolate. Sadly, it lacked the disproportionately fun plastic toy, but I guess that eliminated the risk of choking to death mid-wank, in what would appear to those that found me as some sort of childish act of auto-erotic asphyxiation gone wrong.

The toy itself is a super-stretchy egg-shaped elastomer that feels like one of those aliens you had as a kid that you were convinced was alive. Or, for you comic book fans, just think what one of Mr. Fantastic’s bogeys would look and feel like, and you get the right idea. It has a hole at the bottom of it (for you to insert your pee-pee in) and various internal structures (depending on which egg you have) which are designed to replicate – what I assume to be – the inside of a woman.

I squirted copious amounts of lube (which you get with it) into the hole post-haste so that it now resembled a boiled egg – only its runny yolk had been replaced by what can only be described as a thick, translucent gloop.

Without further ado, I placed it over my penis (I forgot to mention that by this point I was erect – eggs just do that to me) and let the slime settle into the vacuum between my shaft and the egg.

Boy, did that feel neat.

The next bit is fairly obvious – you proceed to move the egg up and down your penis, effectively making sweet, sweet love to it – or depending on your moral stance – raping an innocent little egg. The squelching, however, was a bit off-putting, with the sound reminding me of that thing you learnt in year four when you put your hand under your armpit and make a fart noise (true story: I could, and still can do, that same thing but behind my leg).

Having said that, the stretchy properties of the egg were taking my mind off the noises and pleasuring me in ways that real eggs never have. Everyone with a penis knows that wanking is so good because you know what you like and you can regulate the pace as you see fit, which is what the Tenga Egg had going for it over regular vaginas attached to regular people.

I could stimulate the tip if I wanted, or I could pull the egg right down to the base of my shaft, which, I’m not going to lie, is not that great of a distance. I found that mixing it up worked best – going up, down, and all about town with it.

I’ve got to admit, it felt pretty… real. After the initial coldness, the lube created a warm, moist environment for my penis to inhabit, while the egg provided a soft, velvet-like faux vagina. What was most refreshing, though, was that I didn’t have to worry about bringing it to climax like all those selfish real-life vaginas; nope, this was all about me and my needs.

Needless to say, after frenetically shifting the egg from base to tip, it didn’t take long for me to cum, which, along with the lube, created some sort of mutant super-paste I reckon I could lend to Spiderman if he ever runs out of webbing.

In all seriousness, though, as a first step into the murky realm of sex toys, I couldn’t really fault the Tenga Egg; in fact, it was so comfortable, I could have left it snuggly around my tip all night and slept like a baby.

The only criticism I have is that I had to carry this little cup of cum to the bathroom and that I can never eat egg and soldiers again. To be honest, it’s kind of ruined eggs full stop. And I’ll never be able to look at Humpty Dumpty the same again – the big fucking tease, just sat on that wall asking for me to put my penis in him (although I’ve never understood why he’s always portrayed as a giant anthropomorphic egg when he’s never actually described as one. Fucking mental).

But yeah, Tenga Egg: 9/10

The Vibrating Head Teazer

I let the dust settle on my egg experiences and eventually, after a few days, I plucked up enough courage to not only eat eggs again, but have a go with the ‘Vibrating Head Teaser’. I was pretty excited about this one because if all went to plan, I could have the Holy Grail of sexual exploits on my hands – blowjobs on tap – which would allow me to put an end to the thoroughly laborious and tiresome pursuit of finding an actual, real-life girlfriend.

Now, I’m not ashamed to say that if I could suck my own penis, I almost definitely would; in my opinion, as long as it’s clean, sucking your own penis would be no different than putting a finger in your mouth. Think about it: when you remove the social constructs that surround sucking your own dick, really, it’s just another part of your anatomy. Would sucking your ear be any more gross than sucking your nose? Would licking your knee be any more revolting than licking your elbow? Perhaps, but not really.

It’s just skin at the end of the day, although I suppose my ears and elbows don’t release a warm, salty goo when they’re stimulated. That’d be weird.

As a mechanism it was much more complicated than the egg, which unnerved me I have to admit. Blowjobs are, and always should be, simple, straightforward occasions; you simply lay on your back, try to think about anything other than the girl sucking on your penis, and ejaculate after 3-4 minutes. Easy.

You’ll better understand by looking at the image below, but the kit comes with what looks like a computer mouse with a vibrating bullet attached to it, an eye-mask and some lube.

I could open a lube shop with all the bottles of the stuff I have lying around my bedroom, although I am concerned that if anyone walks in there they are going to think I have a serious obsession.

There was also a black rubber sheath with a load of raised bumps on it – which looked like a dick contraption you’d be forced to escape from in a Saw movie – to put the bullet in one end and your penis in the other.

It was a bit annoying that it didn’t come with batteries because I had to nick them out of the Sky remote in the front room, but I was thankful that it came with a mask so I could avoid capturing a glimpse of my bewildered reflection in my bedroom mirror as I indulged in the art of quasi self-fellatio.

I managed to set the apparatus up with limited fuss, lying on my back and carefully placing the condom-like sleeve around my skin flute. Lube had become a close sidekick of mine after my exploits with the egg – the Robin to my Batman, if you will – and I thought it made sense to bring it along for this ride as well.

Once everything was on, I hit the button on the device and suddenly, a little buzz was being omitted from the area right around the tip of my penis.

All I could feel was a faint tickle, so I played around with the various settings (there were seven in total) and while most of them were pleasant, it didn’t exactly feel like a normal blowjob.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way: blozzers are so great because there’s an actual girl in and around your penis, but aside from all that, there’s a lot of stuff that goes with them that makes them so pleasurable.

Sure, getting your bell-end tickled feels nice and all to start with, but that’s just scratching the surface, the tip (excuse the pun) of the iceberg. I need deep-throating, OK; a sense of insertion, the gentle back and forth, a warm grip from the inside of someone’s cheeks.

You see, getting a blowy is like eating a cake. Yeah, the icing is nice, but I wouldn’t just scrape that off and eat it while leaving everything else. There’s a whole layer of sponge, jam and buttercream that still needs to be devoured, or in this case, the whole of my shaft and testicle region, which was crying out for a kiss or some light hand work. Anything other than the mild discomfort of a slight buzz on my helmet.

There’s just no way you’d be able to cum if a girl was only licking the end of your penis. And that was the predicament I found myself in as I blankly stared down at my own genitalia willing this toy to miraculously kick into life.

After a while I just gave up and finished myself off normally, ever-so-slightly disheartened about the toy but still fairly upbeat, because, you know, I was wanking.

And so, my journey ends (for the time being). But what have I learnt, I hear you ask.

Well, my biggest takeaway from all this is that I have a bloody good job. The second, and perhaps most sobering lesson I’ve learnt, however, is that blowjobs are beautiful, ethereal things that are nigh on impossible to replicate, which is probably why they’re so treasured and sought after.

Being able to mimic an experience so great, with such little effort, would be like cheating the system, and in a way I’m glad it failed to live up to expectations.

Also, if everyone had access to a toy that felt exactly like a premium bit of head, nobody would ever leave the house or do any work, so maybe it’s for the best.

Still, at least I’ve got my egg.

Looks like it’s just me and you now, buddy.

B.J kit: 6/10

Source : TheHook

NEXT POST
SHARE