Many times, we have heard of “nice guys.” We imagine them to be gentle and thoughtful fellows, always ready to lend a helping hand, consider yourself lucky.
But it seems like nice men are not like how we have imagined them to be. In fact, they are something else in public but change for the worse behind closed doors.
These insecure men believe they are entitled to romantic relationships and deserve to be rewarded with physical affection because of their allegedly kind personalities. But women who encountered them while navigating the dating maze say otherwise.
Redditor targetgoldengoose raised a question to fellow members of Ask Reddit: “Has anyone ever given a ‘nice guy’ a chance after they’ve thrown a tantrum because you didn’t let them treat you like a queen?” Below, we selected some of the best answers, but be warned — some of them might make your blood boil. Continue scrolling and be sure to share your thoughts in the comments below!
1.
I finally allowed him to take me on a date to breakfast. Figured midday would be ideal to meet up in public.
I offended him immediately when I spoke to the waitress. I said, “We have two” when she asked how many we had. He insisted that she was asking him, not me, and I emasculated him in public. I laughed it off as a joke. I grew up with all brothers. Surely, he was trying to be funny.
We sat down. The waitress asked for our order. I gave her mine. He groaned and asked her to come back in a second. He told me proper protocol was for me to discuss what I wanted to eat with him, allow him to make the decision, and he was supposed to relay that to the waitress – not me!
I told him he was crazy and left. Blocked his number. Ghosted completely.
2.
I use to be one of those guys. Always in the friend zone. Back messages. Why won’t they give me a chance? Keep giving them chances to give me a chance. Why do they keep going for the jerks?
I got lucky. I was hanging out at a girls house with a bunch of friends. Huge house. Her Mom knew all of us and could see what was going on. Her Mom and I crossed paths one night away from the others and we got to talking. I mentioned how hard I was trying and how lonely I was and no one would give me a chance. She said maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I kept giving them too many chances. They knew they could always come back if they wanted. Instead of trying to be what they wanted, just be myself. Give someone a chance and if it doesn’t work out, there’s more fish in the sea.
It really caught my attention. I still think about that conversation regularly. Instead of trying to fit myself into someone’s life because I found them attractive, I started finding people attractive who were more like me. I started dating a larger variety of people. I broke up with people when I wasn’t happy instead of trying to stick it out for sex.
I became much more happy myself. Eventually I met a waitress where a really good friend of mine worked. We hung out. I asked one time if she’d like a back message, and she said yes. We moved in. We got married. We have two wonderful kids.
The problem was I kept trying to fit myself into someone else’s life and expecting to be compensated. But I turned it around and got my own life. Then found someone who’s life meshed with mine. No “compensation” needed. Sex happens when we are horny (and the kids cooperate by not staying up too late. XD ). It doesn’t hinge on things. It’s its own thing.
Anyway, just thought my story might be helpful to someone.
3.
I was the ‘nice guy’ who got turned down for a second date. I said the same bulls**t that any ‘nice guy’ says when that happens, ie) all women are the same, say they want nice guys, only date assholes, etc.
She said ‘Well, fine, let’s have that second date but doesn’t it make you feel weird to have to convince someone to date you? Don’t you want someone who wants to be with you?’
Me: …
Changed absolutely everything about dating for me.
4.
My sister did… She is a hairstylist and one of her clients was very aggressive about asking her out. He repeatedly bought flowers, concert tickets, and other gifts which he brought to her at work, and she said no each time because he seemed a little off.
He got in a car accident and was really badly injured, and she felt sorry for him so she went out with him finally. They dated a few months before breaking up, I don’t know the exact reason why. But after that he started stalking her.
It’s been over 5 years since then and he is still keeping tabs on her. She’s reported him to the police multiple times, has a restraining order, and has blocked him on FB/everywhere else, but every few months he finds a way to contact her.
So if you get weird vibes from someone, don’t give them a chance or you might end up with a lifelong stalker like my sister has.
5.
I did. It was like dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Treated me like royalty when he was pleased with my behavior, then either snapped into a rage or retreated into wounded silence at the slightest perceived wrongdoing. Expected me to be the Madonna and the Whore, whichever he preferred at the time, and if I failed to anticipate his will, I was shamed and berated. Never a-f***ing-gain.
6.
I dated a guy in High school. Relationship was ok but it was long distance so we amicably ended it. He was the one that brought it up and I agreed. Fast forward 6 months and he randomly messages me. Everything is friendly until I mention that I have a new boyfriend. The conversation did a quick 180 from Hi how are you to You’ll never find someone like me and how could I start dating again so soon. I blocked his ass real fast. And he was right, I never did find another guy like him because I married the new boyfriend and we’re still together 18 years later.
7.
I was once in a similar situation. I dated a sweet guy. But honestly, “sweet” is subjective. He was a gentleman, but he INSISTED on ALWAYS opening the car door for me (he literally would not let me touch the car handle, like at all), letting me eat first ALWAYS (instead of both at the same time cause honestly it’s not a biggie for me), commented that I should never cut my hair, etc…
I felt like I was with a man from the 50s. It was draining to be treated “like a queen” instead of an equal. Other than that, he was okay.
Anyways, when I broke up with him, I felt like he didn’t want to let me go. Like I had to explain over and over again that I wasn’t feeling it and that he deserved someone that would feel the same way about him.
He hung up the phone with, “you don’t know what you missed out on.”
… Mmmm… Okay, I guess…
8.
A girlfriend told me that when she was still new to dating, she gave a nice guy a shot. They were in different states and after weeks of “owing him” a sexy picture or video she agreed to FaceTime him with a wink wink agreement that things might get steamy.
The day comes and this 300lb unwashed dude called her (190lb, 5’6) “nice, but bigger than he liked” and suggested she start working out. He then pushed for an in-person visit near him so that he could show her the wonders of carnal things.
She ghosted him shortly after that.
9.
He sent me over 26 texts a day telling me I’m a worthless b**ch, deserve to get raped to loosen my holes, that he hopes I die, that I’m a sociopathic c**t, and everything else you could imagine, for months, just because I told him we should be friends only (after giving him a chance after his tantrum). I was scared to block at first because he knew my address but I’ve finally blocked him
10.
I dated a nice guy for 7 months after he cried and begged. He was a ‘friend’ and he made me laugh so I figured ‘why not’.
It was the longest 7 months of my life. He didn’t let me have friends. He didn’t want me to get a job (he said I’d f**k the customers), he cried all the time (especially when he suspected that I loved my sisters more than him). He ended up cheating on me by writing love songs/poems to girls online. I was so happy he did that cause I thought I had to wait until ‘he did something’ to warrant breaking up. Even when I confronted him, he insisted we just go on a break.
Yeah that was the f***ing worst. Don’t give ‘nice guys’ a chance
11.
Way too many times in college. I had guys in the “friend zone” who I decided to give a chance because I was stupid and I felt sorry for them
I last straw was when a guy took me shopping. I said “yes” in lonely desperation on a Friday night, this was a Saturday afternoon.
After every store I went into he would either criticize me for not wanting him to buy me anything (I’m not much of a shopper anyways) or ask me for sex because he bought me a used videogame I wanted.
Never again. There’s a good reason incels are incels
12.
The more I read these kinds of posts, the more I cringe. Not only because of the entitled, manipulative and selfish behavior of these “nice guys”, but because I think I was one. I recognize a lot these behaviors as things that I felt, though didn’t act on most of them. I didn’t get a girlfriend until my first year of college, and looking back, I pouted when she turned me down for sex, bargained with her for sex, tried to guilt her into it, and internally raged at the fact that though we had lost our virginity to one another, we rarely repeated the act. I never blew up on her, but rather internalized it in a shame spiral that f***ed me up for years. I thought I was ennobled by my reverence of her, that I was different from other guys because “I was a nice guy who treated her like a queen”. But I didn’t. I’m pushing 40 now, and looking at my younger self, I was on a dangerous path towards abusive behavior. We broke up after 2 years, and I met another girl who was more compatible sexually, but the possessiveness continued. I was distracted by the abundance of sex, so I didn’t work on the issues I should have. I don’t know if we just grew apart because college was wrapping up, or if the slow acting poison of my smothering behavior killed things from within, and she broke up with me a month before graduation. But in the end, with a lot of introspection, I learned how to treat people with dignity and recognized their needs and desires had exactly as much value as my own. I think its hard for some people to process their feelings. We feel them, so we have to be right. Its the other person who just doesn’t get it. Thats not an excuse, but recognizing the flaws in that thinking can lead to growth and becoming a better person and partner.
13.
I didn’t, but my friend did.
See, me and This Guy had a Mutual Friend. This Guy saw himself as a white knight and would use that term to describe himself. He had a code of honour, and he was always somebody who’d walk the girl home, lend out his jacket, that sort of thing.
Well, Mutual Friend was asked out by This Guy, and he threw a fit when she turned him down. So, she gave him a chance. At first, she was happy. He pulled out chairs, lent her his jacket, brought her gifts, that kind of thing. But… it became apparent that he was incredibly possessive and things were always on his terms. So, they broke up.
About six months after This Guy was dumped, he decided he liked me. Telling him I wasn’t interested didn’t work the first or second time, so the third time I decided to just come out and tell him I was asexual. I hadn’t done so before because I wasn’t sure how he’d take it. He decided that I was lucky he was such a nice guy, because if he wasn’t then he’d have taken that as a challenge.
I haven’t hung out with This Guy since then. Just, no.
14.
Yes. Turns out he is extremely racist, sexist, and could not make me orgasm for the life of him.
15.
Yes. This. He stopped any form of compliments or encouragement and I found myself desperately trying to seek his approval (my own issues, definitely, can’t blame him for having them). But he seemed to take pleasure in withholding affection from me and using insults, put downs, and back handed compliments to keep me in a cycle of walking on egg shells.
16.
It was my first experience on OkCupid.
The guy seemed ok on paper, we swapped non nude pictures so none of us would be surprised with the way we looked. We talked on Skype for 2 weeks because at the time I was in campus town and scrolling OkCupid for my hometown. I told him I would be back home after finals and that it would take 2-3 weeks before we could meet in person.
It was good to talk to someone who wasn’t outright trying to sexualize/fetishize me. I don’t remember the convos, but I thought it was good enough to meet him in person.
Anyway, so we meet. I got dressed up and he was in t-shirt and cargo pants. I bought us both a latte (it was a coffee date). We sat down, and he talked mostly about himself and his job. At some point, he stood up, walked behind me, and started giving me a shoulder rub, while I was seated. I never asked for a massage and why would I accept one in public?
I got bored, so I pretexted a family supper to leave and he was like “Uh, too bad, I could have had brought you home” and I thought “I thought I told him already it wasn’t going to happen so soon”.
I decide to let him know on Skype that there wasn’t any spark and that I wished him good luck on OkCupid. AND HE EXPLODED AT ME. How all women are the same, we want nice gentle guy, but won’t give them a chance. How “sparks” are made up by rom com to trick women and in real life it doesn’t happen instantly. How I led him on because we talked for weeks and now I just decide not to push it further. How he is done with women. And so on.
Then he blocked me.
17.
Even in the comments most of these guys turn out to be super manipulative.
My sister had a “nice guy” friend in HS. At first he was a great guy but as he got more impatient with her “deciding whether or not to date him” he became very manipulative.
“So since we’re just friends, I guess it was ok for me to go to VS with my ex and watch her try on lingerie? Even though we broke up, my opinion still matters to her because I’m such a good guy.”
My innocent and self conscious sister who didn’t want to sound like a control freak “no. I guess that’s cool.”
One week later they’re dating.
Mean comments all throughout the relationship:
“Btw my friends think you’re stupid, but I defended you”
“Btw my brother thinks you’re a b**ch, but I defended you. Now my brother and I aren’t talking. You matter more.”
On the phone: sister talking about her day
Boyfriend barely paying attention, “Wow. Cool. Ok. Wait what? Sorry playing video games”
Sister sincerely, “oh well if you’re busy I can call you back later”
Blow up, “ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU REALLY THINK ID RATHER PLAY GAMES THAN TALK TO YOU? THATS WHAT YOU THINK OF ME? ARE YOU REALLY THAT SHALLOW? F**K YOU!” CLICK
After that I told her to dump him but he called back crying and apologizing, so she gave him another chance. Eventually she broke up with him and the next day he skipped school and had his friends tell her that he slit his wrists last night and was in ICU because of her.
She called me flipping out saying I needed to take her to the hospital to see him. I showed up at the school with a peach bellini to calm her down (low alcohol. She was only a junior after all. What are older sisters for). She was all “ok so which hospital is he at?”
I explained that he wasn’t in ICU. He was home playing video games. She didn’t believe me. He had already blocked her on FB but I was still his friend so I showed her all his posts front that day “taking some “me” time guys!” “I finally beat final fantasy!” “Home alone! S’mores for lunch?”
Yeah she never talked to him again.
**Guys this blew up. Thank you for all your support and addaboys..addagirls.
18.
Yes. The tantrums continued throughout the relationship. He was very controlling. If I was out with friends he would be upset that I was having fun without him. He ended up cheating on me and dumping me only to beg me back. He semi staked me for a couple of years. Had an online blog about what I did each day and tried to befriend my exes
19.
Ahhh my time to shine! I met him on Tinder. He seemed like a really nice guy.
He wasn’t bad looking and was a little dorky. Just how I like them. He was in school and a hardworking guy, so he seemed nice.
On our first date he took me to eat wings and everything went well.
Then s**t got weird. On our second date he drove us to the place and he started doing this weird thing where he would get out the car, and then LOCK ME inside while he came around to open the door. I understand he probably wanted to be chivalrous but that was a bit strange. He could’ve just said “I’ll get the door.”
Then he started texting me nonstop asking when we would hang out and stuff. Even when I told him I was busy and I had things to do. If I didn’t answer him on time he would blow up my phone. He also had this weird thing where he had braces because in his teens he had had crooked teeth and whenever I would tell him off, he would be like “you’ll see jakebakescakes, whenever I get my braces taken off you’ll regret treating me like this”. Like what??? You’re the one blowing me up.
The final nail on the coffin was when I went to his house and we were in his bed, I told him I didn’t want to do anything and then we started making out, and I still told him I don’t want to any further than that and he still tried to put his p*nis inside me.
I guess he felt like he deserved it because we went out on a couple of dates.
20.
Oooh, finally my time to… shine? I guess? In high school I briefly dated a “nice guy” (complete with an actual fedora in 2000 before they were really a thing – thanks art school!) I had been in a really horrible, abusive relationship with a guy in his 20s just before, and in fairness my “nice guy” then-friend had been instrumental in helping me to realize how f***ed up our vibe was and helping me to leave an objectively horrible situation.
He then promptly swooped in and started pushing for romantic intimacy between us. He never actually declared feelings – he was never that straightforward about his own thoughts and desires – just talked about the way I deserved to be treated (like a queen, obvs) and made it clear he felt he was the only one who would give me that. Many of my friends were pushing for it as well – he was nice, afterall, and my previous boyfriends had been so objectively awful.
I felt a lot of obligation and kind of went along on autopilot. There was a lot of negotiation around anything sexual – “I treat you so well, don’t you want to?” from him and “I know you want to treat me like a lady so you’ll be okay to take it slow” from me. One of the hardest parts was that he clearly wasn’t out to hurt me or to f**k me. The sexual acts between us (we never slept together, but did other things that seemed like a huge deal to teenaged me) were only a demonstration – proof that I loved him. That was what he wanted. But I didn’t, and I really thought that meant there was something wrong with me.
In the end, I only lasted about a month. He decorated my locker, brought flowers, and left notes for me taped to my desk in each of my classes to “celebrate” our f***ing one month anniversary. I was mortified. My math teacher caught a good look at my face (before I managed to plaster a smile back on) as I opened the note he had left in her class. She asked me to stay back after for what turned out to be one of the most important talks in my life (Mrs. Brown, just the best). I felt panicked, telling her over and over how happy and lucky I was. She kept asking questions until I burst into tears and it all just came out. I don’t really remember what all she said, but I remember her saying “it’s okay to be alone.” She said it over and over, like Robin Williams going “it’s not your fault” in Good Will Hunting.
And soon enough I was. I broke up with him – kindly but firmly, and about 5 different times before he accepted it. He cried. He got angry. Absurdly, insanely, his mom called my mom, who dropped the hammer on her in a way I haven’t seen before or since. I took a ton of s**t at school for “breaking his heart” and “ruining his life” but I felt so free that I didn’t really mind. I dated around, but didn’t have a “boyfriend” again until I was 21. It was, truly, okay (and important, and necessary) to be alone.
21.
I’ve had this situation too. Dated a guy for a few mths. From the beginning though, he was just embarrassing. We had mutual friends, and he would spend full outings, parties, weekend trips voicing his disbelief that I would date him. Telling people how lucky he was in a self deprecating way that was gross, that he has “won the lotto” and I was “out of his league”, no matter how many times I asked him to quit it as he did it every single time we were in public.
It got so bad that his best friend actually snapped and told him in the middle of a self deprecating rant how embarrassing it was and to look at how uncomfortable he was making me. That started a huge argument about “but she’s a queen, I’m just treating her like one!”. When I had the audacity to agree with his best friend, full cry melt down. In front of everyone. To the point where people left a paid wknd early because he made everyone so f***ing uncomfortable. Broke up with him that wknd, the break up lasted for hours with me begging him to gtfo of my house while he cried and cried and cried about how he treats me so well, how could I do this to him. Then it turned to rage. Had to block him on everything when I started dating someone months later, a lot of friends blocked him as well when they found out he was stalking me (parking outside my home for hours, etc).
I was naive. And dumb. Looking back, I wish I had been aware enough to recognize emotional manipulation. If you’re dating someone and they act like you’re doing them a favour, don’t date that person.
22.
I have given ‘nice guys’ a chance and not a single one of them treated me like a queen. They might pay for dinner, but then they badger for sex afterwards because it’s a debt owed. One of them bought me gifts, but all the gifts were cruel and insulting. Things like dieting books (I was 5’7″ and 125 lbs, not that it should matter but it shows you the particular lengths).
The man I married didn’t fit the ‘nice guy’ mold. He was just a sweet, weird guy. He did genuinely kind things like tip well and walk me to the bus. He’d ask before a kiss. He’d talk to me about how he felt and ask about how I felt.
23.
I had an experience with a ‘nice girl.’ Red flags everywhere, but I have it a shot. Extremely bad situation. It began with her moving into my place without asking within the first 2 weeks, thinking it would be a ‘surprise that I would/should love.’ She didn’t work, but expected me to make all the money AND also do every single chore since it was “my apartment.” It was only “our apartment” when she wanted to decorate something her way or change my stuff around. She had tantrums about everything possible, and if nothing was wrong she’d make something up to lose her mind about.
She also hit me with the “why don’t more guys just want someone who will love them unconditionally?” The irony of that escaped her. Men should want crazy girls because they’re crazy because they love you.
Yeah, f**k that.
She did do this thing where I would come home from work and she would be naked except for an apron thinking that was a ‘classic man fantasy’ and expected the world for doing it. It was great until I quickly realized it was for leverage. She expected the world of me while claiming to be the greatest woman on earth despite not ever showing the least bit of ACTUAL respect.
24.
You guys should know that gay men do this too.
I was talking to a guy several years back and on paper he seemed fine. We had conversations here and there and after a few weeks he wanted to meet. We’d planned on meeting halfway and getting to know each other in person.
A few days before we were to meet I messaged him saying I was a little nervous and I wanted to message a bit more first. Then he blew up with the stereotypical tantrum. You know how it goes.
“No, we aren’t waiting you ARE going to meet up with me. How dare you string me along. I’m a catch you’ll never do better than me I could have given you everything” blah blah blah. Big yikes.
I didn’t even respond, I just blocked him and moved on. Bullet dodged.
25.
Yes. 2 months later he forced me into his car, sped insanely fast with metal music blaring to a very rural area, pulled into a field, raped me, then paced back and forth for awhile. Im guessing he was wondering if he should kill me or not. I told him what a great drive i had and suggested we get donuts. I wrote help and his name plate number on a paper towel and stuck it on the mirror. I still have a hard time comprehending everything about that night. Just say no if someone feels off. You don’t owe anyone something because they pitch a hissy.
I just fb stalked. It appears he had sex with a girl from his work. The condom ‘failed’ the first time they had sex. She married him, had 2 more kids back to back. Then went to single and started posting a bunch of dv survivor posts. It also appears her mental age is much younger than her physical one. I was certain he was trying to get me pregnant. I thought i was being weird. But i guess my instinct was right. Poor girl
26.
Yes. It worked out that he also felt entitled to other things and felt like “no” wasn’t an acceptable answer for things like sex when he “did so much for me.”
27.
Met a guy online and he seemed really nice. He was a tad pushy about meeting up but I ignored that little feeling. We met up shortly after for a quick date (I think we got coffee) and chatted. It was instant chemistry, he had 2 sons and i have 2 kids, both open to blended families, goal oriented, smart, easy conversation. We decided to go out again the next night, really nice date and he was a complete gentleman. He mentioned on the date we’d have to get the kids together to see if they like each other. I laughed it off, like “yeah maybe down the road, we just met” and continued the date. Two days later, during our texting I casually mentioned I was going to take my kids on a nature walk and I’d text him when I was back. He shows up with his kids. Now, I dont have it in me to be mean to children so I played nice and introduced myself (they were around 5 and 7, and very sweet boys) but inside I was creeped the f**k out. After we parted ways I called him and told him that was not cool AT ALL. Of course, he played victim and hurt until i said i was uncomfortable with what he did.. then it was “I’m just trying to love you and your kids”, “how can we be together if they dont meet” and “you should appreciate a man trying with a woman with 2 kids”… as if he didnt have 2 his damn self. He sent angry messages for about a week, I never would respond and he went away.
To clarify, this all happened in a 2 week span. From start to finish.
28.
I dated one for 2 years. He seemed nice and was happy when I first started dating him cause girls “didn’t give him a chance due to his looks’. (He was super nerdy, I was 16 and he was 19.) He was very needy and always demanded we do what he wanted. I missed out on a lot of things, including missing out going to see Phantom of the Opera with his mom, because he didn’t want to go and would get sick at the last minute.
When I lost my virginity to him, he said I basically raped him because he didn’t realize he wasn’t ready for something like that till after we had sex. About a year and a half into our relationship he got religious. So then, whenever we had sex, he would want is to pray for forgiveness afterwards. But if I refused sex, I was a cold b**ch.
I actually left him for a female partner, (I am bi) and that’s when I realized that it was a super unhealthy relationship.
29.
Pro tip: If he (or she) throws a tantrum, they are not a nice guy/girl/person. They are a manipulative jackass that needs to be avoided or blocked. You all deserve better than that.
30.
In college. Was besties with a dude who lived on my floor freshman year. He was into me, I didn’t really feel the same way. Then he basically bullied me into dating him by throwing a tantrum saying I was a bad person to not give him a chance. He ended up being the most controlling and manipulative bf I’ve ever had. Managed to get out of it but wasted a year and a half of my best years on that s**t head
