Don’t you think married life seems a little odd? You choose a similarly weird person like yourself, fall in love, and decide to stay weird together for the rest of your lives.
But the funny jokes about being married make it so good. Married or not, let’s find our way to the hilarious jokes, which are just an inch or so lower.
1.
Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
2.
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.” Pharmacist:” Why do you need arsenic?” Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.” Pharmacist: “WHAT?” Woman: “You heard me! I want to kill my husband!” Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?” Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!” Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”
3.
My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. “I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you,” she pointed out.
“Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,” I said.
She looked mystified. “How do you figure?”
“I married better,” I replied.
4.
“Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?”
5.
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was “comfortable underwear.” Worried I’d make the wrong choice, I asked, “How will I know which ones to pick?”
“Hold them up and imagine them on me,” she said. “If you smile, put them back.”
6.
“When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist,” said my husband’s grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, “Now look how much I got. That’s what I call an investment!”
7.
“I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
8.
On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.
“For example,” he began, pointing to my husband, David, “do you know your wife’s favorite flower?”
David answered, “Pillsbury All Purpose.”
9.
A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you.” The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again “What’s for dinner?” She turns around and says “For the THIRD time, beef stew!”
10.
“My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed Lily for lunch?”
“That’s up to you,” I replied. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not home?”
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, “Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?””
11.
“My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. “We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was.”
“Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?” I asked.
“Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.””
12.
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor… A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” – Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois
13.
My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.
When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. “I really think you love me,” she said. “At least 70 people called and told me so.”
14.
“The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, “It makes an awful noise, but it works.”
“That’s okay,” she said, taking it. “I have a husband at home like that.”
15.
Both my fiancé and I are in our 40s. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended knee.
“Are you serious?” I asked, laughing.
“Of course I’m serious,” he said. “I’m on my bad knee.”
16.
Do you want dinner?
Sure, what are my choices?
Yes and no.
17.
My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home. The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear.
When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. “It’s okay, Mom,” she said. “The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again.”
18.
The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. “Well,” said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, “she’s there.”
19.
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked. “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
20.
‘If I were to die first, would you remarry?” the wife asks.
“Well,” says the husband, “I’m in good health, so why not?”
“Would she live in my house?”
“It’s all paid up, so yes.”
“Would she drive my car?”
“It’s new, so yes.”
“Would she use my golf clubs?”
“No. She’s left-handed.”
21.
Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.” -Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi
22.
For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. “Honey,” my husband joked when I told him, “after 13 years and 4 kids, I hardly need directions.”
23.
My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.
“With this ring…” I began romantically.
“We could pay off Visa,” he responded.
24.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
25.
As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.”
26.
“My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.”
27.
“Feeling listless, I bought some expensive “brain-stimulating” pills at the health food store. But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label.
“This is just rosemary extract,” I complained to my husband. “I can’t believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing like wild in the yard!”
“See?” he said. “You’re smarter already.”
28.
“Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, “Mmm … that Vicks smells good.”
29.
My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.
30.
“My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. “What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. “Turn over—you’re snoring,” I said. He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, “That’s nothing; you should hear my wife snore.””
31.
“My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.
“Who would you pick to portray you?” she asked me.
I thought about it for a minute, then answered, “Dennis Quaid.”
“In that case,” she said, “I’ll play myself.”
32.
An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.
“Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches.”
The judge replied, “How many peaches were in the can?”
She said, “Six.”
The judge then said, “I will sentence you to six days in jail.”
Her husband stood up behind her and replied, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”
33.
“During an attack of laryngitis, I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant “Give me a kiss.” Two taps meant “No.” Three taps meant “Yes”—and 95 taps meant “Take out the garbage.””
34.
I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.”
35.
“Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?” “Not really,” I replied. “Did you marry him for his money?” “Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any.” “So,” he said, “You just felt sorry for him.” – Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland
