1.
My toddler, who was not previously accustomed to being awake after dark, just looked outside and screamed “where is the backyard?!”
Outline— Mel (@Tweetsnwhatnot) November 10, 2021
2.
My toddler dropped my phone while she was FaceTiming my mom, gasped, picked it back up, and asked, “grandma, are you ok???” It was the cutest-dumbest thing Ive ever seen.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) June 22, 2021
3.
My son got his report card today and academically he did well but his teacher wrote a note specifying “ he needs to use kind words with friends “ . I asked him about it and he said “ My friends are dumb and they need to know “
— ⬆️⬆️⬇️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️🅱️🅰️ (@PurestInNoSense) March 24, 2018
4.
I remember when I was younger I thought perish was a good word. I was praying with my family one night and I prayed that we would all perish. The silence that filled the room is unforgettable 😂🤣😭
— Gloriatunu (@Gloriatunu1) July 28, 2020
5.
[playing Hangman]
son: 3!
me: It has to be a letter
son: Oh. 9!
me *looks at wife* Are we cousins?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 2, 2018
6.
Hats off to the waiter that kept a straight face as my 5yo ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) June 22, 2021
7.
Just told my son they popping fireworks for my birthday and he believed me he said “they really love you daddy” 😂😂😭😭 kids so gullible
— Till Next Time Love’ (@CyphDadNextdoor) July 5, 2020
8.
3yo: Mom, did you eat all the penis?
Me:
3yo: You like penis, mom???
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: PEANUTS! Yes, I ate the peanuts.
3yo: You like penis.— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) May 25, 2019
9.
6-year-old: Do dragons fart fire?
Me: I don't know.
6: I thought you went to college.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2019
10.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) February 9, 2021
11.
When my son was 4 he saw a commercial that said "brushing alone is not enough to prevent cavities and tooth decay" so he made us start brushing our teeth with him.
It's been 3 years.
Nobody tell him.— Luciux Riker (@Luciuxness) August 17, 2020
12.
5yo asked me to go find something downstairs. I couldn’t find it.
5yo: “I’ve got an idea. This time, go back downstairs and try your best”.
— Adam B. Hill, M.D. (@Adamhill1212) June 25, 2021
13.
[How to lose at Hide-and-seek]
Me: [eyes closed] 1…2….3…..
4yo: [whispers] Daddy can I hide in your shirt?
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) March 24, 2020
14.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 16, 2018
15.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
— Nik (@jacaristar) August 25, 2018
16.
3: Mommy, I don’t want dinner!!
Me: I’m not making dinner, I’m making you a big snack
3: Yay! Snacks!
𝗙𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗸𝗶𝗱𝘀
— kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) October 1, 2020
17.
*Opens bottle of bleach*
Nephew : How did you open it? I tried but it didn't open.
Me : Oh it's coz it has a child safety lock. Children can't open it.
*nephew looks at bottle in amazement*
Nephew : How did it know I was a child?🤣🤣🤣
— Julz (@azedi) November 27, 2018
18.
Toddler: Daddy I want toast.
Me: ok, buddy. Here’s some toast.
Toddler: I don’t like butter on my toast
Me: (flips toast over to the dry side and hands it back) There ya go.
Toddler: Thanks Daddy!
Toddlers are dumb. Take advantage of it while you can.#Dadlife
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) January 23, 2019
19.
I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed "yay! TWO christmases!" from the other room.
— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) May 6, 2017
20.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) December 17, 2017
21.
I woke up to 3 yo kid #4 petting my head. I asked what she needed and she said 'i wish i had a piece of you that i could carry with me all the time. like your finger.' Haven't slept soundly since.
— marie bourgeois (@mmbtox) January 28, 2018
22.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) September 5, 2020
23.
(4yo daughter is crying her eyes out)
Me: "What's wrong, tutu?"
4yo (moving her hands on the sofa): "If my fingers were markers they would ruin the sofa!"
Me: "But your fingers…are not…markers?"
4yo (peak distress): "I said IF!"
— Tomer Ullman (@TomerUllman) July 31, 2020
24.
https://twitter.com/Fiveoclockmommy/status/1086020398578249728?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1086020398578249728%7Ctwgr%5Ea7c56a7dab9401f29b22f1d4cf748bf30d426a57%7Ctwcon%5Es1_c10&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.buzzfeed.com%2Fdaves4%2F50-kid-parent-conversations
25.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
26.
We cant find my 6 year olds glasses. Today we asked him where they are. He said and I quote “I threw them in the garbage yesterday, the lenses were dirty”.
$400 – see yeah! pic.twitter.com/TBsP3laC3p
— Jesse Modz (@jessemodz) January 2, 2020
27.
My daughter just punched me so hard in the balls and won't apologise. She just said "Well I dunno", and walked off. Quarantine is going awesome.
— Taika Waititi (@TaikaWaititi) April 12, 2020
28.
“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?”
– my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 29, 2021
29.
https://twitter.com/knowbuntu/status/1015498844551905281?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1015498844551905281%7Ctwgr%5Ea7c56a7dab9401f29b22f1d4cf748bf30d426a57%7Ctwcon%5Es1_c10&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.buzzfeed.com%2Fdaves4%2F50-kid-parent-conversations
